Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Love

Husband called his dad a couple days ago to check on him. Big Papi said, "Just sitting here watching the game with Mom." And that's all he said about that. So Husband called Mama Luz the next day to get the full scoop and she said, "I told that fucking bitch from the laundromat to stay away from my man!"

And both sentences -- watching the game with Mom and I told that bitch -- mean the same thing: We love each other very much and we're working this out. Big Papi could have easily said, "Still in the car." And Mama Luz could have easily said, "I told that bitch she could have him," but they didn't. We're encouraging them to talk it out instead of glossing this over. They said they are. They said they want to visit us in February and we're jumping up and down to make that happen. We're just waiting to hear when the school year has a break for Mama Luz. She drives the school bus.

* * *

Monday was the anniversary of Mama's death. The date - Dec 7 - burns lows at the bottom of my psyche, like an eternal last light of a dying kerosene lamp. That date is kind of like my birthday, like, when I randomly hear someone say my birth date, I get a jolt of recognition. I get a current from Dec 7th too, the mention of it or anything related. I said to Husband, "My grandmother passed away today." He said, "I'm sorry, baby." I calculated the years. "It's been 27 years now. That's weird. 27 years is a long time." He said, "I'm sorry." I said, "But 15 is a hard age to lose the only person who liked you." I laughed. He said, "We like you, baby. You have big fans in this house!" I said, "Oh, I know, papi. Thank you."

For the splitest of seconds, I thought maybe Mama had something to do with bringing Papi and me together though, really, I don't believe in that. And I believe in a lot of wonky spiritual, unseen shit. I believe our cherished dead can protect us in subtle ways. I believe in the power and spirituality of nature. I believe in god, a flowing energy that connects anything living -- including plants and animals -- externally and internally. I really believe in that form of god. I believe in prayer even if its sole power is to make us feel better. I believe in good and bad luck, to an extent. I believe in the santos for the same reason I believe in prayer. I believe in not crossing other people's god because not only is that disrespectful, it's bad luck. And their god is probably from the same source as your god anyway. I think karma is overrated and misunderstood. I think karma just happens and it's ironic and missing the point to strive for it. You do good to just do good and you don't do bad because it's hurtful and bad. Then karma might happen. I believe in doing good. And I believe in the power of myself because I'm connected to that god source, and this is why I don't think Mama had anything to do with bringing my husband and me together. I did that. But she did teach me how to love. I love him well because of the smallest amount of time I got to be with her. And because of me, of course. Man, it was so short though, that time with her. It was a fraction of my big life and I am still so affected by the infinite spec of love she poured over me. I admit that most times I think of the absence of her, especially our painful seperation when she was alive, and I was wracked with a child's panic caused from being apart from her. I starved for the attention she gave me and felt quietly gutted out when I couldn't get it enough. I resorted to sad, old-soul tactics – and being an old soul is overrated too because a child is only told that when they dig too deeply into themselves to extract what they lack on the outside, what they need so badly, so they dig to tap into that god source for self comfort and this makes the eyes immediately age. So as I kid, I believed I could talk to her in my mind; I caved over the panic to calm myself down and I made it into a glowing pool, a bright and secret source of love. I stored it, and waited. I waited until a ton of years later when I was able to dump it on my girls, my Husband. Turns out, the pool keeps going, it doesn't run out. Just grows and grows. I did that.

Thank you Mama. Thank you for starting the pool-source and for teaching me that kindness and gratitude never run out either. I miss you so much.

13 comments:

Maven said...

Oh my god, this made me cry. And this is unbelievably apt: "being an old soul is overrated too because a child is only told that when they dig too deeply into themselves to extract what they lack on the outside, what they need so badly, so they dig to tap into that god source for self comfort and this makes the eyes immediately age."

Lots of love to you. I'm glad to hear the family update. And I'm so sorry you didn't have more time with Mama.

lagata said...

This post made me cry as well... I feel your soul in your writing.

I'm so glad to hear that Mama Luz and Big Papi are working on things and I hope they can get out to see you guys.

I'm glad that you had what little time you did with Mama, what a great gift she was able to give you in that short time...

Marigoldie said...

Just love you so much, D. This is one of my favorite things you've ever written.

Rozmin said...

They say that for children to grow up, parents have to die. I think that the term "parent" in that saying can be interpreted loosely. Maybe you get that birthday jolt bc that is the day you were born, as an adult.

Rebel Girl said...

L-O-V-E!!!!

It's what we do. We must.

3pieceonline said...

"And I believe in a lot of wonky spiritual, unseen shit. I believe our cherished dead can protect us in subtle ways. I believe in the power and spirituality of nature. I believe in god, a flowing energy that connects anything living -- including plants and animals -- externally and internally."

Amen Sister Well Written

j

Not A Mountain said...

I hang on your every word, as always.

Don't Get Mad Get Vegan! said...

madness, i'm totally in love with the way you express yourself.

thank you for this and all that you share.

Molly said...

Saw Papi headed back to get you for a party, looking handsome. And I know that means you looked beautiful, too. Hope you had a great night... You have definitely grown your happiness, and I love Mama for watering you in the beginning. They say it only takes one person's love to give a child a chance. I'd say you prove that true, and then some!

Kathleen said...

i love you, too.
i love your family.
your words.
your heart.
your guts.
i love it all.

now to find a tissue.

Kellie said...

Absolutely beautiful post. In your writing I realize things about myself. You are a blessing, Madness, a true blessing!

Ali la Loca said...

Very beautiful. It made me equal parts happy and sad. Your words really resonated with me.

Madame One Tree said...

This is so deeply touching. Libation on the ground to Mama for sparking that eternal flame of love for you.