Thursday, November 05, 2009

Bringing the Upswing

I can't seem to shake this blasé dissatisfaction. I'm stuck in the in-between of a near upswing and tumbling way down. Something deadened my heart a little, y'all, and ooo I'm trying to shake it out, off, away.

Complaining upsets me. Because my life is a series of choices, right, and I've made all of these choices to be where I am now. And I'm sifting through my choices, thinking where the change needs to come and I like and am grateful for most of it, and I'm frustrated by only a part of it. So, who am I to complain, y'know. Then I settle back into the in-between.

Well, I just cried on the phone to Husband. He's in Mexico, again, for work. This is the second trip in two weeks. Actually we texted. I cried while texting. Don't judge. I express myself better when writing and I’d be close to mortification if I were to complain verbally; I'll gladly, toxically swallow it all away rather than say it out loud. But not when I'm justifiably angry though, or when clear boundaries are crossed or when it comes to the kids -- but this personal, unknown space of beat down and tired and robot-ness and random, unwarranted feelings of failure. These things I can't say out loud. Don't make me. I don't want to. Let me text them.

Husband and I don't often have emotional heart to hearts, just when absolutely needed, which is fine with me. I’m not sentimental in that sense; I want it parceled organically, in extreme moments. This way the talks feel magnified and hugely meaningful. We soften and are all-attentive, all-important, kind, melting. He stops the world for me, and tells me bottom-of-the-soul stuff. I rarely need that, but today I did.

And I feel better. Because the basics make me feel better; a base of love, cherishedness. Back to Maven's vows -- and it really is the base of a rock-solid relationship -- championing each other. He said, to my money worries, "Rich or poor, I don't give a shit. I just need you. We've been piss poor before. I just need you." So, that's the basics. That's all I need. Nothing else matters.

I will say that when I was younger, I wouldn't have allowed myself to feel dissatisfied. Not that that's healthy or better. I do feel that I'm way more in touch with myself, which brings awareness to the good and bad within. I allow that now. I realize this is progression. But, I think back on my young hardness to any bullshit emotions (I believed) and I realize that this is just the way it is for the downtrodden, the ones who have to really pound it out to survive. When I had real stress about a beater car or no car or the rent and gas money or food money, I felt I had no right to complain about a job or two jobs, or how long it took to get there or the hours I put in . That would have jinxed it all for sure. Just hustle and make that rent, and hope it gets better. It was a servant mentality. I asked nothing from my bosses, just tap danced as hard as I could, and hoped for the best. I'd get choked up at good reviews, when given a raise. The trabajadores of the world feel no sense of entitlement. We just hustle. And my life is far from that now. I shop at health food stores most of the time for fuck's sake. I have a buttery apartment in the greatest city, so what with 2 bedrooms and crumbling kitchen cabinets. I have lazy-ass, spoiled dogs! And really, my young self would be embarrassed. I mean, she'd be happy that all that she put in led to my life now, but she would be embarrassed that anything makes me feel failed in any way or sense. I'm sorry, young self. You did so stellarly with your half of life with hardly anything.

God, my husband made me feel better. And my tattoo makes me feel better. And my girls make me feel better no matter how much time they demand. And my cat, TeaCake, when he sleeps in my absent husband's spot on the bed at night, that makes me feel better. And my new favorite breakfast, pictured below makes me feel better. I have to admit that though I felt kinda low for a couple weeks prior, the Halloween baking/testing and pie eating really pushed my head under water more. It must be tiresome to read about my sugar darkness yet again (though they get farther apart), but to be honest, it didn’t occur to me (yet again) until a couple days ago. I have sugar amnesia. Or after the low feelings fade, I convince myself that I’ve hype up the sugar blues more than they are. But god no, I really don’t. Eating it is impossible. Anyway, after kicking myself again, it’s back to the food basics too. Starting with:And this picture makes me laugh.
And this song by Los Tijuana Five makes me feel better (posted by Lisa on her FB)

And you guys make me feel better. Thank you.

19 comments:

Rebel Girl said...

love love love

(and WHAT is that breakfast? I wanna eat like you do again---)

madness rivera said...

Hi mama, it's a banana with raw almond butter and a raspberry. Bite and repeat. So good.

Rebel Girl said...

I got the banana and the berry but now I have the secret butter. Cool.

Check out more of Los Tijuana Fice on You Tube - they're fab.

They're featured in some art installation -"Last Exit USA" at the Steve Turner Contemporary at 6026 Wilshire - check it out. I heard about them on KPFK - Jon Wiener's show.

xo -

Rebel Girl said...

That's Tijuana FIVE.

I can't type! I ditched keyboarding classes!

Rebel Girl said...

here's the LA Times review:

http://steveturnercontemporary.com/artists/kun/latimeskun.pdf

madness rivera said...

That looks awesome! Any chance you'd come up for that?

Rebel Girl said...

We're up all weekend - got things going on (big political campaign reunion on Sat) then a folky t-shirt art show opening at a radical Jewish cultural center on Sunday - so not this weekend....

Maybe you're interested in the t-shirt art show opening? Lots of spirit.

http://www.circlesocal.org/tshirt.html

Marigoldie said...

Keep feeling better. I love the image of TeaCake in Husband's spot.

Curling up on my couch with tights on made me feel better.

nec said...

Your breakfast looks positively yummy - and the photo made me laugh :o) You could send it in to accidentaldong hee-hee

This morning I was thinking how I just love dark, cool mornings - and seeing in the distance the sun rising. I started to think the reason why I like that time of day so much is because of the sense of hope it brings to me. Whenever I am feeling down, or going through struggles, I just know - the sun will rise and so will I.

You are such a strong, wonderful woman and such an inspiration. Thank you for being who you are.

LeS said...

and you make me feel better. with your bold and beautiful body art, your mothering, your words that tell of the exact mothering ache of which i face and in which i feel so alone. but less alone now, because of you :) you are the best kind of warrior and reminder. much love to you D. and thanks.

Maven said...

Woman, I hope you can let go of that "what right do I have to complain?" thing a little bit. "What right do I have to complain?" prevents us from seeing into the heart of our dissatisfaction and figuring out what needs to change. It's possible to be dissatisfied and to have profound gratitude for what you've got at the same time. It's sounds like that's where you are right now.

Anyway, you're awesome. Have a bite of breakfast wang, why don't you.

Madame One Tree said...

I understand that in between space.
I am thinking that your awesome parenting skills will nurture and heal the child in you and things will be better. It seems already to have begun with your rascally breakfast. (smile)

Jinxi Boo said...

awww... what a wonderful, heartfelt post. I absolutely adore what your hubby said to you. Isn't that truly what it all boils down to? As life zips by us and good times are countered with hard times, an unwavering love and a partner who is committed like that is stellar!!!

Thank you for being so open, honest, beautiful and inspiring.

I love the person you are and hope you know how much of an impact you make in so many people's lives.

Sending love, Jinxi

PS - those pictures are totally awesome!

madness rivera said...

Ah man, all y'all leave the best comments. I take every word to heart. Thank you so much. Breakfast wang/dong? Killing me - so funny.

Michelle said...

And you make me feel better becaue I know I'm not the only who ever feels like this. The banana photo could make the whole world feel better. It's delicious looking and wrong looking at the same time.

mountain said...

Thank you for exposing a crack in the armor. I have been feeling under, too, lately, and not feeling quite justified in it. Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one.

mountain said...

Thank you for exposing a crack in the armor. I have been feeling under, too, lately, and not feeling quite justified in it. Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one.

Marigoldie said...

I got some almond butter after reading this post. I put it on toast with apples. Come back soon, ya hear?

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