Monday, April 16, 2007

Somebody Just Kill Me

As the tension increases to find balance and true health, two nations within are spreading rumors of war. The Nation of Nurture and The Republic of Nature are both staking claim to my mood and actions. I am a body that gravitates towards Nature, but Nurture has compelling camps set up still. If anything, I am a peaceful body and I have decided to listen objectively to the demands from both sides, and then I'll set up a tentative policy from these negotiations. We will continue to go to the table until my mood, intuition and actions merge harmoniously.

The Nation of Nurture's Demands:

1. Drink 2-3 cups of coffee per day OR drink soy creamer directly from the carton with a straw
2. Pretend like I work out a lot when this is only in my mind
3. Forget consuming water. Who has the time?
4. Cupcakes for dinner
5. Eat soy bologna & veganaisse sandwiches daily
6. Buy bigger clothes and stay in the house eating bowl after bowl of cereal with soy milk in bed. Or any other vegan junk food that we (me & Whole Foods) pretends is ok
7. Sleep 10 hours a night and ignore the children between the hours of 7pm and 9am
8. Blueberry pie for breakfast
9. Squash the Republic of Nature with chemicals
10. Drink pasteurized orange juice

The Republic of Nature Demands:

1. Eat 90% raw and the only dead meal will be steamed brown rice and vegetables. Everything else is sheer poison.
2. Eat fruit alone. CANNOT BE MIXED WITH ANYTHING ELSE OR IT WILL TURN RANCID AND DISGUSTING UP IN YOUR GOD-GIVEN, PRISTINE INTESTINES.
3. Eat soaked nuts only. Ignore the strange little sprouts. Chew thoroughly
4. No soy, for fucks sake
5. And apparently no kale, brussels sprouts or cassava either now
6. Drink two liters of water a day though we all know that raw foodies need less water than mortal humans. Chuckle chuckle.
7. Exercise two hours a day
8. Meditate 20 minutes a day
9. Walk everywhere slowly and with intention
10. Eat slowly and with intention
11. Have sex slowly and don't orgasm
12. Grown your own food. Everything is poison.
13. Cut out your thyroid and just be done with it already
14. Journal. How do you feel?
15. Learn to sleep as little as possible, with eyes open preferably, and still be refreshed. (Another raw foodie super power. Chuckle.)
16. Shit at least four times a day. Or you're poisoning yourself

After a morning of deliberations, I have come of with the following peace policy:

Negotiated Policy

1. Morning coffee reinstated. (Oh yes I did.) In a PMS panic, I had a cup of coffee this morning and I don't think I can go back to life without her. I'm so much happier now even if it's induced with a drug. WWWEEEEE! To be honest, there are a lot more drugs I'd be using if they didn't make you feel like complete crap after. Oh, and didn't drag your life down the shitter. Oh, and didn't cause complete embarrassment when trying to procure. So coffee it is, and not cocaine or Addarall.
* Stipulation to coffee/soy creamer reinstatement: (I'm so giddy, I'll agree to anything!) Less soy use in general. For cereal, rice or almond milk (it's hard to say nutmilk, y'all . . .nnuuttt-milk . . .). Very minimal abuse of soy mint chip ice cream. No soy bologna. Occasional tofu (purer form and slightly fermented) and tempeh (very fermented). Fermented soy destroys most soy toxins.
* Second stipulation to coffee reinstatement: Must drink 2-2.5 liters of water a day. Fine.

2. Exercise 5-6 days a week. Seriously, one of the only ways I can stay on an even keel.
3. No cupcakes for dinner.
4. 70-80% raw. Nurture fought hard against this one, but it still makes much sense to me.
5. Fruit, in general, will be eaten alone with a possible daily miscombining. Fresh berries on anything? I'm not strong enough to deny that.
6. Kale and cassava reinstated, but no brussels sprouts.
7. Anything slow and intentional will have to wait until I have some goddamn time.
8. Will not hold in my chi. Funk that.
9. Will not fear the Art of Sprouting. Will experiment with nut sprouting (whoa).
10. All journaling will continue to be done through this blog even the agonizing Crisis Posts that my people must endure during this time.

The new policy has been signed and notarized by all parties. Hopefully, this will quell the swelling war within. If not, I'm just gonna have to keep trying. It ain't over until you're dead, as Maven says.

11 comments:

Deezee said...

ok, but may I ask what makes brussel sprouts evil?

madness rivera said...

The taste! Naw, Michelle brought up in the last post's comments that brussels sprouts were part of a new goiterific group of foods that might need to be avoided. IT'S ALL TOO MUCH!

Wendy said...

I love the lists. Hilarious.

Emilie said...

These negotiations with the self are so damn hard. I'm trying to resolve a statement of peanut butter use right now. I've got a jar a week habit. So hard to break. I'd really like to be doing more raw. Don't have your will power for the 70-80% though. I've been thinking about doing a raw day once a week and see how that goes. It should at least get the raw juices flowing and institute some more active desire for the raw...

madness rivera said...

Hi Wendy & Emilie. Actually, Emilie, anything that takes TOO much will power for me is usually unsuccessful. (See coffee reinstatement) The transition to raw has been a slow and pretty painless one. I started -- like you're thinking of starting -- with one meal or a day at a time. I did "raw until dinner" about 70% of the time for a while. And I too have mad love affairs with nut butters (huh huh). I went from jars of peanut butter to a jar of raw almond butter which is so damn expensive that it cuts your habit down. But since I spend less money in other areas, I'm ok with spending $1,000 or whatever it is for raw almond butter. P.S. the creations on your site look amazing.

acumamakiki said...

I'm with you on the brussel sprouts, I can't take that taste! I love this list and your negotiations - I need to do a smackdown on myself and my 'issues'. Truly, your posts are speaking volumes to me.

Marigoldie said...

Oh so enjoyed this Madness vs. Madness volley. Work it out, work it out!

Melinda said...

I am a wretched pig who ate a piece of pudding pie for breakfast today. Will you still respect me in the morning?

Laume said...

I have these dueling banjo arguments with myself All The Time. I also give myself ultimatums with deadlines. Myself snickers quietly at the ultimatums and sometimes gives deadlines the finger as they go sailing by unkept. And if that wasn't enough, I have to also factor in the family's loud whining that I'm trying to kill them with health foods. Take away all the apparently unedible foods and my son and husband insist there's never anything in the house to eat. Fruit - horrors! Vegetables - ACK! Brown rice - Torture!

Sigh.

And why are orgasms bad, btw? I thought one was supposed to have orgasms. Not that it's of particular concern either way for me, since hubby works nights and... well, nevermind. TMI. Just curious.

madness rivera said...

Sshheeeetttt, ain't nothing wrong with an orgasm as far as I can tell. I was just kinda poking fun of the those of higher consciousness that (are rumored to) go for hours upon hours and still won't let go of their chi . . .

bettyboop said...

yummm! coffee! go for it!