The soul scouring? It's going well. Too well maybe. Why do we not easily accept happiness when it's consistent? It's not just that. It's that I have made such a concerted effort to be happy and to Follow Bliss and shit that I now feel a little boring; like I have nothing interesting to say right now. I'm one big positive affirmation. Which, y'know, is great. . .
Has baking cooked all the dark, interesting bits outta me?
A few nights ago, the wind kept us up. It was a destructive wind threatening to rip hinges away and crack grown trees; it sounded like an uncontrollable destructiveness. And I was scared, actually, which is a first because I have always loved the wind. It has been a life-long favorite of the weather systems. Growing up, I would not have minded if the wind blew it all away, me included. Blew it all clean; I felt new when it swirled around me. And now I fear things getting blown away; I want it all to stay as it is. The wind makes me nervous now and I don't like that. That same night, my sleep was fitful and I half-dreamed of odd and true past details like when I was a kid I once walked barefoot on the sidewalk outside my apartment and I stepped on an empty peanut shell to see how it would sound and feel, but hidden under the shell was a dollop of dog shit that I hadn't seen. The shell crushed and shit squeezed out and smushed between my toes. Details of catholic elementary school also randomly came to me, like how my classmates would write JJM at the top of all their test papers which stands for Jesus, Joseph and Mary. I wanted to do that too -- I wanted a dose of divinity -- but I felt like I'd be totally faking that. Even in third grade I knew that would be poseurish of me.
The morning after the wind-ragey night, I walked the dogs. Fences and garbage bins were down. Abandoned, tan-green christmas trees that had been left in the alleys were blown around like large and misshapen tumbleweeds. But my life was still intact. My happiness and my family; my resolve and self-assuredness. I stepped over littered debris and I used my mind to settle myself; told myself it was all ok. I am not only interesting when I'm misfortunate and dark. I've given myself this pep talk every morning since though the windy nights are long gone.
Did you want a cupcake update? I baked some Coconut Lime ones. The recipe called for coconut oil and coconut milk and I think the cake came out heavy, almost greasy. Husband liked them a lot though he's the only one who did. I love coconut and decided to change the recipe to make a simple vanilla-coconut cake and frosting. They came out really, really good. I was trying to replicate the taste of the three-layer coconut cake that I love over at Real Food Daily. I put one dark chocolate chip atop of each. It was so good.
I've been doing reconnaissance missions to local bakeries and cupcake houses in Cali and checking out websites across the U.S. for prices and hours and flavors. I also looked into the rates of a local commercial kitchen and other costs of starting a small vegan baking business. I was going to call it Rivera's Vegan Cupcakería, but after some feedback and a big veto by Maya, I'm going with (My First Name's) Vegan Cupcakería. I just like the "cupcakería" part. I'm all proud of myself for that one.
I had to add this photo. Mina cut a hole in the crotch of some old pajama bottoms and made this awesome blouse.
Monday Morning Blues: Iced Bike
1 hour ago