Monday, February 27, 2006

self portrait tuesday

I've been REALLY cookin' with this All O' Me SPT theme so, why stop now? Hell, I may just keep going through March and do a Time Marches Through My Ugly Bits spin off. Like, a thousand side by side polaroids of my daily, sweaty workout pants. That's hot! Ok, back to this week . . .
I am an on-line shopping EXPERT. If they had an Olympics for this, I'd medal. I somehow can buy perfect-fitting items from a blurry 2"x2" picture off the computer screen. I even dip into the most risky of on-line buys: Shoes and makeup. Just recently I successfully bought a red lipstick at sephora.com from a cartoon simulation of the color, which are approximately 20% off of accurate and god knows which way. EXPERT, I'm saying. I have had about a 98% success rate and for the amount of shopping I've done on-line over the last five years, these odds are outstanding. One Christmas, I didn't step foot in a single store, but my UPS guy and I became best buds. What's up, Mike!

Last week, I bought some 1921 jeans on-line. I already have a dark pair of 1921 jeans and I love them. They are my favorites. So, I decided to buy a lighter pair and I confidently bought them in the my size, the size that the other pair are. When they arrived, I couldn't wait to try them on and much to my HORROR, I couldn't pull them up over my hips. I realized the light pair have zero stretch to them, apparently the key to jeans fitting me. And here's the ugly bit: I am so vain -- about my on-line savantness AND my refusal to buy a size up -- that I WILL NOT be sending these mothereffers back. Logically, I understand that jeans are cut by the dozen from probably enslaved workers with unsteady hands so quite possibly the size is off or cut differently, BUT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. (Ug.) So, I'm thinking about wearing them out as is.

23 comments:

irene said...

that picture, that's soooo me!!! excellent SPT, as always!!!

acumamakiki said...

Excellent and BRAVO!! This is so funny, although I'm not laughing that your jeans don't have stretch!
I've got a 98% approval rating for online purchases but I too, made a mistake with jeans. Your my hero today.

lynne said...

jeans throw off the whole curve, so to speak. so much for my "trying them on at nordies, then buying them on ebay" plan. worked twice, bombed twice.

ESB said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Trish said...

HA! Glorious! And a very brave SPT :O)

Marigoldie said...

Haaaaaaaaaaaaa!

You never let us down.

Deb R said...

I'm an excellent online shopper too but I've never had the nerve to try for jeans. I'm pretty sure buying jeans online would totally wreck my average.

Fun SPT!

Jonathan K. Cohen said...

I have been able to buy jeans online, but only because I know the precise model required -- Levi's 550 Relaxed Fit with Flex Denim (a/k/a stretch). I once tried moving up to the 560s, but found myself with baggy gangster pants, which would endanger me in a number of neighborhoods I traverse weekly. Big mistake.

andrea said...

wear those babies out and start a new trend! you could do it too. I believe in you.

excellent SPT.

la vie en rose said...

HA! how do you do it? every week you just kill me. but hey from where i'm sitting it doesn't look half bad. if i could look that good in jeans i couldn't pull up over my hips i'd sport them proudly in public.

Bethany said...

I hate it when I buy something thinking I'm knowing what I'm buying, thinking it's safe to buy it sight unseen, and somehow "they" have changed it.

For what it's worth, you look good. A hell of a lot better than I would in jeans I couldn't get past my hips.

Glamorous Jo said...

Most of my current jeans/pants fit this way. And I refuse to buy new jeans/pants because I want the motivation to lose weight. But, instead of losing weight, I just can't breathe when I sit down, if I can sit down at all. YOU MAKE ME LAUGH.

Laini Taylor said...

So brave of you to buy jeans online! I have traumatic experiences of buying jeans in high school, back before the low-riders, before i figured out about boot cut legs and 5-inch platform boots. Ugh. Nothing could make me feel shorter and squatter than jeans-shopping. Your picture makes me smile!

Michelle Fry said...

The funny thing is that I think I've seen girls on the commuter train here in PDX wearing jeans that fit just like the ones in your photo, unbuttoned and all.

Melinda said...

Girl, I KNOW. Once I bought a pair of workout pants from Old Navy online - I bought them in a "large," because that what 5'10" girls with hips and a butt wear, right? Except when they arrived, they were totally too tight and made me look like I was getting ready for a flood. But did I send them back? No. I waddle around in them to this day, in protest over Old Navy's insinuation that I deem myself "extra large."

SUEB0B said...

The whole women's clothing sizes thing is a cruel plot to drive us all insane.

I just don't understand about jeans...I have huuuge thighs, huge butt and still they can gap in the middle of my back by inches...who thought THAT up?

Server Girl said...

You are too funny!! Regardless that the jeans are too tight, they still look hot :)

Heather said...

you'll get some heads turning with those pants on!!

Kathleen said...

HEEEEEE! gasp...heeeeeee!
this post is the effing best!
i love it!


you are my hero. truly.

Ward Jenkins said...

Work it! And you know that someone has started this trend of unbuttoned jeans somewheres. You'd be right up on that trend wave. Very hilarious (and honest) post.

yolie said...

so......where's the ugly?

Dominique said...

You are so funny and I totally relate. I wrote recently about the tight relationship I've developed with the UPS guy. And with my inseam length, I have few other choices to buying on-line, but unfortunately, I cannot boast of such a success rate.

I love the photo.

Magpie K said...

This picture is great. I hate shopping for jeans. I'm 4'10" and the fact that my waist is smaller than my hips is an an idea which seems to be beyond most jeans manufacturers! I can't think when I last bought jeans that I was able to wear straight away without having to get them taken up and taken in! Grrr!