Monday, February 20, 2006

self portrait tuesday

This is my third humiliating entry for the U-G-L-Y, I Ain't Got No Alibi, This Bit is Ugly! theme for February made possible by our friends at Self Portrait Tuesday.




WARNING: TMI SOON TO FOLLOW. WARNING: TTMI. You've been warned.

I've posted this entry before long ago when only a couple of my friends read the blog. One of whom I work with and she couldn't look me in the eye for a week after reading the contents. You've been warned is all I'm saying.

For those of you that don't know, I sweat like a pig when I work out. People like to cheer me up and say, "That's Healthy!" But whatever, it's kinda gross. What am I gonna do? I just accept that I have active sweat glands. But grosser still is that I sweat especially in certain areas of my body; odd areas, I would say. Like my shins sweat a lot and you wouldn't think that shins would sweat much considering they are only bone and a thin layer of skin. Most embarrassingly, I sweat a lot around my -- let's whisper -- vagina area. I don't sweat OUT of the china - uh, I don't think -- but that area gets extra hot for some reason. (Insert innuendous jokes here.) Why this happens I have no clue. We'll just say, It's healthy?

When Mandy & I owned our company, I used to take dance classes at lunchtime. I would change at work because there was no shower at the dance studio. And since I'd come back to the office all sweaty, I decided to tell everyone about my Sweaty Pussy Syndrome (SPS). I did this before anyone could noticed themselves the dark discoloration of the dance pants; a big wet circle that said, Hey everybody, look at my vagina here. I also decided to tell them before they thought I had pissed myself. I even pointed it out to our salesguy Scott because Fuck It, let's disarm everyone of the humiliating ammunition against me by putting it all out there first. I really wasn't sure if this phenomenon was that odd. Maybe it was one of those things that I thought was odd only because I kept it to myself. Turns out, it's odd. I'd stand in front of Scott with my hands on my hips and say, "Scott, is it weird that I sweat a lot down there when I exercise?" And he'd stare thinking, I can't believe she's asking me to check out her sweaty pussy. Mandy would yell out, "Dude, it's weird." She'd say this every time I worked out. And every time I'd answer, "Right? Weird."

Once, I took a kickboxing class from a woman who was wearing the cutest coral-colored pants. I fiercely envied those pants. Mid-way through class I noticed a rust-colored line of wetness forming at the crease of her thighs, like a sweaty V. I was like, "Oh look, she’s got a small case of SPS. It's that cute." And I realized that if I had been wearing those fantastic coral-colored pants, it would've looked like someone had thrown a pitcher of water at my crotch by workout's end. Not pretty.

I have the most beautiful pair of royal blue dance pants that fit like a dream and make me look b-b-b-bootylicious. When I had a trainer about a year ago, and on a day I was feeling especially brave, I wore the Royal Blues to my training session. I knew I had SPS then, but I was told the Royal Blues were made of some scientific material that deflects moisture. I'm sure this is true for people that don't have an overheated pussy. Right before my trainer came to meet me, I panicked and decided that there was no way I could go through a whole workout with him all up in my space and me only thinking about a possible puddle in my pants. After my warm up, I tied my sweatshirt around my waist. We weren't ready for that jelly.

Obviously Husband is very aware of my syndrome. And every single time I work out hard, he'll check out below my waist and say, "Good workout?" And I'll just shake my head and say, "Right? Weird."

Oookaaaaayyyy. So, there you go. Is February over yet? Wait, there's one more Tuesday left for this theme? Ug, better dig up that colonoscopy post.

24 comments:

liz elayne said...

oh you have me laughing out loud my dear...out loud. i love how you share all of yourself with such honesty and humor.

Janine said...

Well Madness this one was all about being brave, and I really think you have topped all of us!!

dani said...

you should be paid for this stuff. this is vintage or whatever term you could put in here to describe your pure talent. you're a genius with words.

everything about this is so brilliant.

thank you for introducing me to SPS - my new favourite syndrome - and you don't sweat out of the china you think - you are brilliant let me say again and your hub's assessment of a good workout. this is priceless.

can't wait for next week's installment.

and i think i get small cases of SPS too.

love your work
xxxx

irene said...

OMG, I can't believe how brave and hilarious you are!!! you are a real hero for all of us who sweat like pigs!!! thanks for sharing, that really made my day!!!

acumamakiki said...

Wonderful!! And just for the record, I too have SPS when I work out and won't wear anything other than black on the bottom. I'm glad I'm not alone.

Deb R said...

OMG, that post made me laugh out loud and the pic is perfect!

I'm another one counting the days until March.

Marigoldie said...

This is bold stuff, woman! You are liberating us all.

Also, your photo really does the job.

Heather said...

You are so so so so awesome, very funny, and, a little wierd :), I can not get enough of your blog!!

ESB said...

oh my god, i think i love you. i have SPS, too (and other places as well). that's why i never wear pastels, unless i'm around the house....i attribute it to hyperactivity/nerves.

la vie en rose said...

sps!!!! i love it! oh girl you crack me up!

Green Whale said...

In some of the more intense yoga classes I take, quite a number of people exhibit sps (well, yes, mostly women, though some men wear tights sometimes so you can see it on them too, and the initials for this syndrome still apply to them, ha!), so I never felt embarrassed about it, strangely enough. I take it simply as a sign that I've worked well and hard and eliminated lots of toxins. I've heard people fart in yoga classes, which I think is more mortifying than sps, but you can't help either, and anyway that's what it means to be alive and healthy. Kudos for your courage to share this.

andrea said...

well, I don't know if I have SPS but I do know that I sweat like a 500 lb. woman wearing a black wool unitard in the middle of august. how's that for a mental picture? (and probably one you won't be able to shake for at least a coupla days). oh yes, I am a first-class sweater and produce gallons each time I dance, work out or clean the house. I get all red-faced too and people often think there's something wrong with me. I used to be embarrassed of this particular physical quirk but now I feel cheated if I'm not swimming in it at the end of some good activity.

glad to know I'm not alone. and girl, you made me laugh out loud in the middle of a crappy day.

yolie said...

Thank goodness I'm not the only one! That and my right arm pit, unbelieveably sweaty.

Kathleen said...

well.
there ya' go...

hee!

i loved this post. your always manage to crack me up...seriously.

i agree with janine about topping all of us. that was really putting it out there.

rockonwithyerbadself.

Lynne said...

this is why i do pilates and yoga in the comfort of my own home. not because of SPS, but there is always the possiblity of SFS (spontaneous farting syndrome) and when you're my age, you sorta pee when you jump. it ain't pretty, my friend. TMI R Us

madness rivera said...

Ok, I'll come out of hiding for Yoga Farting. HAHA.

See? It all feels less of a big deal when you just let it all out. I will NOT follow my husband's suggestion, however, of buying heather grey cotton workout pants just because I feel better about SPS. He's sick like that.

Melinda said...

Me too! Me too!

You have given me a gift with this entry. Finally: a name for my shameful affliction. SPS. We should start a support message board or a listserv or something.

Ok, maybe that's taking it a bit too far.

acumamakiki said...

I love that your husband wants you to embrace the SPS with heather gray!! Like Andrea, I get very red-faced when I work out and I swear I catch the gym workers with their de-fibrulating machine out of the corner of my eye!

kyrie said...

i actually read somewhere that the most sweat of *any* woman comes from her vulva! shocking but true. god, those summer days in skirts can be like waterfalls (oh, tmi! tmi!)

thesciencegirl said...

Followed a link to your blog, and THIS is the first post I see. Hysterical!

Server Girl said...

I am so so so laughing right now...that is truly a hilarious post...you always seem to have something funny to say:)

Ward Jenkins said...

I love all you women, sharing your most embarrassing attributes! This whole thing CRACKS me up. It's embarrassing but good to let it out there for the whole world to know. Builds character, don'tcha think? As for me, I sweat normally, I guess. But nothing like buckets or anything. Sorry. I wish I could share something more embarrassing here.

Honestly, none of this grosses me out. As an artist/animator and observer of people, I find all of this so fascinating that really nothing is too shocking for me.

Again -- bless you all. Rock on with your SPS-selves.

Michelle Fry said...

Okay, I have this too and must make sure I always have a workout towel at the gym even when I am only doing weights because my pussy sweats so much that I leave a clam shaped puddle on the machines that I discreetly wipe up quick as can be. I also sweat above my upper lip like i'm eating spicy food. Only this happens when I work out so it looks like I have a freakin runny nose or something, like I have snot all over my face. Luckily that only happens when I do aerobic exercise.

Glamorous Jo said...

oh.....my......word..... Madness has done it again. You are a genius and we all want to be like you. I cannot stop laughing. And I'm in a really bad mood, too. I want to say thanks for the SPS love but that just sounds dirty.