Monday, February 06, 2006

self portrait tuesday

Oh, this is gonna be great. This is my first entry for SPT's February theme, "All Of Me, Even the Ugly Bits", which is obviously meant to simply humiliate us and destroy any facade we've tried to create on our blogs. If our on-line journals can't be a sanctuary to offer and admire our Best Bits like a new, shiny penny, like a hologram of an angel, then what the hell is? Oh well, down the hatch. Thanks, Self Portrait Tuesday.

As promised, here are a tiny few of the pictures from my most excellent performance in the exercise video. Warning: This is not what I look like. Is it? Actually, this is probably exactly how I look when I'm not looking.

And apparently this is what I look like being interviewed. It seems that I'm in a constant state of surprise when I speak to people. This was a shocking and frankly frightening revelation. Why children don't cry as I bug-eye them is beyond me. Why is the cameraman so close to my face? I mean, has he been hypnotized by the inner lining of my cornea? Doesn't it look like I'm saying SSSssssss then EEerrrrrr in these eloquent shots?



















Ok, here I am in action. Dudes, the mouth. The mouth! I cannot for the life of me close my mouth when I dance or exercise. WHAT THE FUCK. Maybe there is a muscle connected from my feet to my jaw. The clenched fists, the shoulders in my ears, the ever-present surprised expression -- I want to cry.





























This picture is kinda hot; sweaty, rocking out, but why Mr. Cameraman are you all up in my boobs? Is this a family exercise video? You should see this in motion. (cue music) Boink kada boink boink ("Turbo Me Chicks 8, take four, action!) Jesus Madness, put those away before you poke an eye out.

32 comments:

Heather said...

Oh my, i'm laughing so hard right now!!

Janine said...

Oh Sweetie, what can I say, I am laughing too, what a topic for SPT to pick, well I guess we all need a dose of humility now and then, God I am dreading doing my entry!

acumamakiki said...

This was very funny, had me laughing very hard but NOT because of your photos my dear, your witty comments and words....this is what is so hilarious! I know huge cringe factors are involved when watching myself so I empathize with you, I really do. And girlfriend, if my boobs looked even 1/10 as hot as yours do (never mind your beautiful face!!) than that rack would be out there inappropriately covered all the live long day!!

tina said...

HEE HEE HEE. I think you look adorable. And your sense of humor makes you ten times cuter even than that.

tina said...

Oh, and your boobs do look fabulous.

Regina said...

Oh my, I am laughing so hard my dogs think it's time for Mommy's meds, lol. I am going to have to get the video now!!You really are beautiful you know....you DO know that right?

Joelle said...

HA! I love it. Not bad a'tall...

Marigoldie said...

That open-mouthed expression is so endearing--it's Madness enjoying her bad self. I love it.

HollyRhea said...

a. ma. zing.

Server Girl said...

so freaking funny....my mouth is always open when people take pics of me when i don't know it...ugh...this spt month is gonna be fun!!!

madness rivera said...

Dear BoobLovers: The rack is a menace. Ok, fun times had by all when naked, but that is a FRACTION of my day. The rest of the time I'm strapping them down with 5 bras and duct tape. Here was my sign in jr. high that I needed a bra: I ran around the track cupping my boobs. For fun, around Halloween and armed with a victoria secrets bra, I can make them look like the Incredible Inflating Boobs. It's funny until you realized you've spent an entire evening without a hint of eye contact.

Btw, I wasn't as concerned about the 15 pounds that the camera apparently adds, but I was alarmed about the added Frump Factor. They don't tell you that. In showbusiness.

Hi Regina, yea I know I'm fly, but I really am so much flyer in my mind. Delusional, but a real (or fake) confidence booster.

la vie en rose said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...you crack me up. but really you don't look near as bad as you think you do. you're quite gorgeous.

Tara said...

this is hysterical. so mean to make people take pics while exercising. who took these?

you still look great.

madness rivera said...

Oh Tara, you're late to this party. Not just photos, a whole entire exercise video I was in! ug. I paused the DVD and took pics.

Glamorous Jo said...

So so funny......LOVE THIS. I think I read it three times in a row. You are FABULOUS. SO FUNNY. (and I am unable to dance - even dance in my kitchen - without sticking my lips out. I also point my thumbs like Fonzie. It's physically impossible to stop doing this.)

Athena said...

That was funny. I give you full credit for your good taste in deciding what parts to show too.

dani said...

you are brilliant!!! awesome post!

ESB said...

this is hilarious!

your blog is awesome; have been secretly checking it out for a while, and just added it to my blogroll...

Michelle Fry said...

Too funny. The open mouth thing reminds me of how I feel the need to open my mouth and keep it open while I apply mascara. I do have to say though tbat the open mouth/boob shot is especially great because it has a certain porno quality to it.

Lynne said...

mwaaahaaaa! so damned funny. but you look amazing, open-mouthed and all.
my own boobs couldn't hurt a fly, unimcumbered or not.
i still owe you a pick of my own lydia the tattooed lady.

Kathleen said...

you.
crack.
me.
up.

i think it is odd that we all look at ourselves and find so many faults.
you are stunning.

i do know how you feel about the 5 bras, though...lol...but maybe i'll save my story for an spt. hee!

it is going to be a long month.

madness rivera said...

Nice to meet you EEEkat, thanks for the link.

And hi Lynne - Yes! Can't wait to see the picture of the your baby tattooee. By the way, I thought of you today because I stumbled on a blog that listed Love in the Time of Cholera as their favorite book. Garcia Marquez is in the air, man!

madness rivera said...

Thanks Kathleen, you know -- firstly, yes, it's gonna be such a long month. Secondly, I say all the time that I'm not big on doggin myself out. But I felt very vulnerable and goofy doing this video. And this was all too good not to post for this theme.

Bethany said...

LOL! Oh, this is great. About the mouth being open, though - you have to breathe! And at least you look like you're working out. I hate those videos where they aren't even sweating, much less breathing.

liz elayne said...

your words in your post and in your comments have me laughing...I remember the days of holding the boobs as I would run. thank goodness for bras...
you are beautiful my dear, beautiful.
and so brave to appear in an exercise video; they couldn't pay me enough...

Melinda said...

Damn, girl. With a post like this, no wonder I'm comment #5,713.

Ok, first off: the boobs, the smart little pink-themed workout ensemble, the perma-surprise? All hot. But the fact that you stuck those pics up on your blog in front of God and everyone? Even hotter.

This post rocks. Now where can we buy the video? :)

poppy said...

oh man! that was so worth the visit here! thanks for cracking me up. not so much the pics (btw you are fly!) but your commentary is bend over belly laughing funny funny funny! and your commenets too!

poppy said...

ok i meant to say comments - i was still a little giddy!

andrea said...

girl. so funny I can't even begin to find the words.

AscenderRisesAbove said...

Excellent post. lol.

artjunk~ said...

quite possibly the funniest post I've read to date---I'm still laughing---and the pictures! just go perfectly with the comedy of error comments! oh my. I'm going to read it again now!

Colorsonmymind said...

Oh my goodness-you are awesome and so funny!