Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Turbo Kicked Ego

Today, in the mail,the exercise video I was in finally arrived. Yea, I was in an exercise video; a Turbo Kickboxing video. That will be sold. To the public. And viewed by many.

When it was made, it was all fun and games. The best, regular students of my Turbo Kick Class, taught by the brilliant Cheerleader On Crack, were asked to participate in her newest video -- many are sold by her empire -- and I was confident that my je ne c'est qua was ready to be documented. I dig a spotlight. Or I used to. As all the students arrived for the shoot, as we were dressed by bitchy PA's and makeup'ed and rearranged on the floor, I became acutely aware that I was one of the "bigger" students. I do not consider myself big, but I was getting the hint that I had been cast as the normal, “healthy" girl. This still did not faze me particularly, and as the long-ass day of shooting rolled on, I was still hot in my own mind.

After viewing the DVD, I'm now having my doubts. In my mind, I'm so great. I'm the bomb diggity. I usually never dog myself out. I am not a fan of self deprecation at all, because if you're not talking highly of yourself, who will? But when one sees themselves jumping around in spandex next to very tone and lean fitness models, it's hard to the put the brakes on an automatic critical avalanche. I did not look terrible, but the image on the screen did not exactly match the flyness in my mind. Firstly, maybe I should trim my hair more than once a year? Even if stylists love to chop the shit out of my hair, at least then, just maybe, there would a . . .style? And, my boobs are too big to be bouncing around in that fuchsia tank they dressed me in. I couldn't get my eyes off my own cleavage. Jesus. Bimbo Turbo Jam? ug. Also, open-mouthed dancing has been an affliction of mine since I first took a dance class a hundred years ago. When I dance a routine, my mouth is either open in a surprised "Hey!" look, or my lips are puckered, innately, in a sassy "Jazz face." Eyebrows are always raised. It's like a spasm to which I have no control. So, there was a lot of that going on, to my horror, as I kickboxed. On the DVD, there is a "Get to Know the Cast!" section where we are asked questions such as who are you, why do you love this workout and what are your eating weaknesses? And, ok, I looked fine, and I was fairly charming as I rambled about my vegan cookie obsession, but why didn't anyone tell me that my bottom teeth are more crooked and jagged than the hem of Wilma Flintstone's dress? And they're off center, the teeth, as seems to be the case with my whole face when I talk. I'm like a Picasso painting (which, ok, is kinda cool). And I see that after years of holding my surprised Jazz Face, my forehead seems to just stay in that position, up and creased. AND I TALK FUNNY. What's up with that?

Maya and Mina got a huge kick out of seeing "Mami on TV!", but I kinda just shook my head and squinted my eyes to filter out the hotness, and I tried not to look at my triceps that are a tad wobblier than I thought, and I really didn't want to be made aware of that VIA A PUBLIC EXERCISE VIDEO. Ho hum.

People, I love me. I really do. And if you embarrass me with any kind of sympathetic compliments, I will you kill you. With my bare turbockick hands. Anyway, I’m not looking for that. I’m just reporting what I saw. And besides, I’m back to feeling hot again, in my mind.

P.S. I was going to post a picture from the DVD, but I'm so saving that goodness for February's Self Portrait Tuesday theme which is "All of Me, Embrace Your Mistakes, Love the Ugly Bits." HA! What perfect timing.

14 comments:

Joelle said...

No sympathetic noises coming from me, wouldn't want the turbokick hands doing their thing--just this, you made me smile this morning, loved the post!

Marigoldie said...

Automatic critical avalanche--sounds like a dance song!

Freakazoids, robots, automatic critical avalanche, please report to the dance floor...

Glamorous Jo said...

Love this story! I filmed a video once for a work thing where I was a fake host for an entertainment show - and went in there thinking I was pretty ok. When I saw the video - I thought, WHO IS THAT HIDEOUS MONSTER AND WHY DID THEY EDIT ME OUT? But after a while, I said who cares! I am still cute! (sorta.)

Melinda said...

At the risk of being killed by turbokick hands, I must say that you get a big gold star and a [vegan] cookie from me for even having the guts to be in the video in the first place. When I work out, I'm a red blotchy sweaty grunty pile of mess. If I were in it, it would be a whole different kind of video. Like, the censored kind.

madness rivera said...

Thanks my people. Actually, now, The Morning After the Viewing, it all seems funny to me too. See me laughing, ha ha hee, ho hum. No, for reals, funny, funny stuff. (Btw, today I'm wearing my long, split-end bangs draped over my forehead and bright red lipstick.)

And hell yes, Marigoldie, you know I'll make a dance out of anything . . .


Melinda - it is so hard to smile and breathe hard. wow, that was a workout in itself. So, really, in the end I WAS red and blotchy, breathing through clenched teeth where the smile had turned into a weird grimace.

acumamakiki said...

It's always a shock when I see myself in situations where I'm rockin' it and then, maybe not so much.
I can't wait to see the SPT photo. This was a great story.

Maven said...

I feel you. Whenever a concert or show of mine is recorded, I have to shelve that shit, sometimes for actual years, because looking at it/listening to it will turn my critic up hyperdrive. If I give it some time to cool, usually I'm like "hey, that was actually pretty good, in fact I RULE YOU DROOL," which is how I like to keep it real on the daily. Actually I like everyone to rule. I just enjoy the phrase "I rule, you drool."

Husband said...

OMG!
I can't wait to get home and watch the whole thing. I only got a preview. I'm so proud of you. Takes alot of Balls to get up there and shake your ass. You look so beautiful its crazy!

Heather said...

I can't wait to see the photo!!

HollyRhea said...

hurray! I can't wait for February.

I never listen to recordings of myself for this same reason...

andrea said...

girl, I just don't even watch video of myself anymore. not that I have done any exercise videos or anything but every dance piece I have been in has always been filmed. and then after the performance at the cast party, everybody always wants to watch it. I have come to really hate that moment when the reality of what's on the screen tragically crushes my post-performance high. I feel like I look one way and that video is screaming something entirely different! I know I don't look like that! or do I? and here come the doubts.

so I just said, eff it. I'm not going to watch any more video of me. someday, I'll watch them with ava and ezra but for right now, I can do without it.

and I'd be lying if I said I'm not looking forward to the february self portrait tuesday challenge. :)

Ward Jenkins said...

For the record, we guys are not going to be looking at triceps. Sooo, uh, don't worry about wobblin' in that area.

Great post by the way!

bettyboop said...

i get that same feeling when i look at myself in a different/foreign mirror, like a "fat" mirror, or a "bad lighting" mirror. of course, then there are the "bad" photographs, which for some reason, outnumber by about a krillion to one, the "good/hot" photos. bottom line, thank god we have men that think we're fine cuz in reality/video/photos... well, let's just say, we have amazing personalities, n'est-ce pas?? and that's what really matters.
but, i do want to see the vid so i can have a good laugh!!
oh, and to all the members of your self-admiration club, don't worry, i can talk this way to madness, we go wayyyyyyyy back, and she knows i'm laughing with her.

madness rivera said...

Yo, believe me B, I'm laughing too. Kinda.

I laughed up some water reading about the bad mirrors and pictures 'cause that's true too.