I have realized that forgiveness between my mother and I manifests itself in small clicks on the dial of how we treat each other. If I want to forgive, and don't know how; if she wants to be forgiven, and wonders if too much time has passed, we are left with the only thing we know how to do: Act nicely towards each other. I am hospitable and accommodating. She is generous and nice. During each visit, we are a shade nicer and more hospitable. More importantly, with each visit we are a click more comfortable with each other. This is what I noticed most this weekend.
The more time we spent together the more I realized that a grand, forced Talk was less as important as this effort to be nice and this comfort, all built gradually and naturally. The effort and the comfort are the forgiveness, the asking for and the accepting of it.
Before this weekend, I knew I could not force feed myself the rhetoric of forgiveness. I didn't believe it possible to simply nod my head and say, "All is forgiven", even if this is the right thing to do. It wouldn't have been true. I hear that's what people do though. It's what happens successfully in the movies. Since this seemed impossible for me personally, I didn't think forgiveness would ever happen. I was trying to live with that, even trying to forgive myself for that. But forgiveness has been happening for years. We've chipped away at our shit for a long time, indirectly. As with all my transformations, practice creates a grove, creates rightness.
Blogging about this has helped exponentially. Release does wonders. And the supportive comments helped me beyond what I am able to express. You daughters and the mothers that shared related stories made me realize that even the most evolved people still suffer from busted relationships and that with clear minds and open hearts, we are all just doing the best we can. I feel part of a caring & brilliant community, and I am very grateful for that. Thank you.
atlanta + amsterdam: celebrations
1 day ago